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Mess we’ve made


"Akala ko lang forever na."

"Di ko maisip na maghihiwalay kayo."

"Di ko gets. Di ko kasi tanggap."

"Kayo kaya yung sobrang nagpapakilig samin nung high school. Para kayong KathNiel namin haha."

"Kayo lang yung couple na sinuportahan ko (ever since high school). Akala ko kayo na."

These are just some of the reactions of our closest friends upon learning what happened. One word that sums it all: DISAPPOINTMENT. And I’m/we’re sorry.

Ours is the typical high school relationship. We became classmates sophomore year but we didn’t really talked to each other until junior year. I think it all started during the 2nd week of classes, June 15, 2010 to be exact. We surprised our homeroom adviser because it’s her birthday. During the celebration we played games. There’s this game wherein they will pick a dare (I was the one who wrote down the dares) and I can’t remember how he was chosen for the dare. He picked out the dare where he has to dance with one of our girl classmates (Gahd Idk how I came up with that dare!!! ugh). Aaaaaaaand guess what? He chose me! That guy! We’re not even close, like at all! Haha. So yeah we danced prom style. It was so embarrasing I tell you. Long story short, we became an item and fell under that so called MU relationship by October 17 (alam na alam e :D) He officially courted me December 2010 and became an official couple August 27, 2011 (his birthday).

We’re a happy couple. Our friends and classmates supported us. Even our teachers supported us. Some of our teachers even said na kami na daw, na we’re soulmates etc. There’s that saying na parang nagiging hawig kayo or something ng soulmate mo diba (just like sa mga mag-asawa daw). Well they said we’re like that. Ijdk. But yes, we’re happy indeed. Very. We’re sweet. Ah no, scratch we’re. He’s sweet. I don’t do sweet. I don’t know how to be sweet. He said I’m sweet in my own unique way. But him? He is soooooooo sweet. He’s fond of flash mobs. Gahd, students from other rooms even gather around our room whenever he does things like that. He surprised me once during our English(?) class and he cried. Yes he cried! He cried in front of me, my classmates and our teacher. During my 16th birthday he gave me a box of stick-o because he knows how much I love that. On the box are post-it notes with his message for me. On our 6th monthsary he made a video for me and showed it to the whole class (we have our own TV in our room)! Then there’s this one time(I forgot what’s the event) when he did a flash mob with his friends. They sang Kasama Kang Tumanda while each of them are carrying the letters I L O V E Y O U. On my 18th birthday he made a video compilation of greetings from my high school classmates. Grabe. A+ for THAT effort. Hahaha.

We’re the perfect couple, so they say. Madaming kinikilig samin. Madami kaming “fans” (daw kahit na wala naman kaming fangroup lol). We love each other. I love him so much kahit na hindi ako kasingsweet niya. And I knew and felt that he loved me back. Almost four years na relationship. And it ended. Just. like. that.

Our friends didn’t expected this. We didn’t expected this. Akala nila kami na? Akala ko din e. Akala din niya. E wala, akala lang yun e hehe. Sinong couple ba ang hindi hihiling nun? I know there’s that time when couples wish na sana sila na lang, na sila na magsasamang tatanda, bubuo ng future etc. Pero hindi naman nangyayari sa lahat yun e.

Distance is our worst enemy. And other factors. We dreamed of growing together but instead we grew apart. We lost ourselves in the process. We lost each other along the journey. And we realized it, that it’s not the same anymore. We still love each other but it’s not the same love. And it’s not enough. When is love enough to make a relationship work? There are other things needed and we lack that.

Sabi ng iba baka “bugso lang (daw) ng damdamin”. It’s not. We’ve known for months that it’s dying. We tried to patch things up, to get back what’s lost. But we don’t know how to do that. I myself don’t know how to do that, because I don’t know how we ended up like that. It’s like in just a snap our relationship became not-so realtionship. We’ve thought about it for how long. And I guess we both know that this is the only way out.

That’s why we both decided to let this go. It’s hard. WTH? It’s soooooo hard to let go of a relationship this long, of a love that true. But then I guess it has to be this way. Maybe it’s best we grow up separately. We both need this.

We’re sorry for disappointing you friends. Sabi ng iba magkakabalikan din daw kami. Teh hinay hinay lang okay? Kakahiwalay pa nga lang e =))) Pero malay nyo naman diba? HAHAHA. Just like what we said to each other after we decided to be casual friends (well duh pareho kami ng circle of friends no haha), “Malay mo sa future.” Who knows? :)

"You don’t make a wrong choice in love even if you broke apart. Walang mali at nasayang sa pag-ibig na nawala. Nagbago lang kayo o ang isa sa inyo. Kaya wag mong sabihing you made the wrong choice. Things just changed." (Lanuza, 2014)

Break up song: Mess We’ve Made by Aj Rafael feat. Tori Kelli. (Swak e </3 charat)


Learnt an interesting thing today on this arabic course,

The original Arabic number system looked like this, the one we now use.

It was designed so each character had the corresponding number of angles to the number, so the number 1 has 1 angle, 2 has 2 angles, 3 has 3, 0 has none etc…

It is so obvious now, I’ve always assumed its one of those things that just is, with no logical explanation, but here it is, perfectly simple and satisfying

1. Sometimes it’s going to hurt. You’re going to sit on the floor screaming at the ceiling and pulling your hair and trying to tear your skin off your bones. You’re going to fall asleep with tears burning holes in your cheeks and praying that you won’t wake up. But you will. You will always wake up. Be glad. It’s going to stop hurting.

2. Do things you love. Kiss the boy from down the street because he told your best friend that he thinks you have pretty eyes. Sleep on the floor because your bed doesn’t fit right. Cry because you miss him. Smile because you’re gonna be okay but he’s always gonna be a mess. Laugh until your stomach hurts and you can’t breathe. Fall apart and put yourself back together again.

3. When the boy you love gets drunk and kisses another girl and his words hit you right in the heart and knock the wind out of your chest, try to remember that the world isn’t caving in on you even though it feels like it is.

4. Nothing really matters as much as you think it does.

5. The sky is blue because it’s sad, but the clouds are white because there are still little wisps of hope flying around in the air and sometimes they fill the whole damn sky and that’s how you know it’s all going to be alright.

6. When you were born, I put a barbed wire fence around your heart for protection. Any boy who gets in there is gonna have scraped up knees and blood pouring from his hands. If he sticks around, help him clean up the cuts.

7. When you’re convinced that there’s nothing left inside you, remember that you’ve got the entire galaxy under your tongue and the world in your bones. There are flowers growing from your cheeks, sometimes you just need to water them a little, crying helps.

8. When someone says they love you, believe it, chances are they mean it.

9. Don’t waste your time crying over people who hurt you. You’re giving in. You’re letting them win. And baby if they don’t have you then they’ve already lost, so don’t let them have the satisfaction of breaking you.

10. Try not to grow up too fast.

10 things my mother taught me when I turned 13 (via extrasad)
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